Gilligan’s Planet
You’d think that if somebody walked into a studio and
said “’Gilligan’s Island’ is cool and all, but it should be in space,” that
they’d be laughed out of the office. Apparently though, CBS thought it would
make the perfect Saturday morning cartoon. Apparently, in an attempt to get off
the island, the Professor was able to build a spaceship. Unfortunately, the
spaceship rockets too far off and the gang gets stuck on another planet that
just happens to support human life. What’s even stranger about this show is the
fact that they got most of the original cast members (except for Tina Louise)
to reprise their roles. Not surprisingly, the show was cancelled after one
season and 13 episodes. However, one still has to give it credit for making
more sense than the last season of “Lost.”
Laverne
and Shirley in the Army
On the subject of classic
sitcoms, I can only imagine what the thought process was to decide that Laverne
and Shirley should be enlisted in the U.S. military. Like “Gilligan’s Planet,” this
show had the main cast reprise their roles. Some new cast members include a
strict drill sergeant and a talking pig named Sgt. Squealy. Now, simply
centering a show around two sitcom characters joining the military would be
weird enough, but adding a talking animal to the mix is just pushing it. What’s
next? How about a show where the cast of “Full House” is hired by a talking
tiger named “Putin” to work for the KGB?
Sonic Underground
Pretty much every kid who grew up in the early 90’s is familiar
with the “Sonic the Hedgehog” games. They were music games about a dystopian
society where music is banned. After finding his long-lost siblings, Sonic must
fulfill a prophecy to defeat the evil dictator, Dr. Robotnik and restore peace
by finding their mother: the noble Queen Aleena. To do this, players must use
the power of magical musical instruments to defeat…oh wait…that’s just the bizarre
premise for this show. Now, this isn’t the first cartoon based on the “Sonic the
Hedgehog” video game series, but it is certainly the weirdest. Remember the “Sonic
the Hedgehog” game where you played musical instruments to defeat your enemies
and performed songs that would make the collaboration album of Metallica and Lou
Reed sound good? I didn’t think so. Besides the inaccuracy to the games, this
show makes the odd decision to not only have Jaleel White (who played Urkel on
Family Matters and Sonic on previous shows) reprise his role as Sonic, but to have him
play Sonic’s sister, Sonia. Now, I have nothing against his performance as
Sonic, but his portrayal of his sister sounds EXACTLY like Urkel. I just can’t
help picturing Urkel in a dress reading the lines. Oh, and the songs are terrible…
Kung Fu Dino Posse
Between “Battletoads,” “Street Sharks,” “Cowboys of Moo
Mesa,” and “Cheetahmen,” the 80’s and 90’s had its fair share of “Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles” rip-offs. However, in 2009, the Starz Network decided to
air this poorly-made knockoff. Created by Peter Lenkov, the man responsible for
last year’s notorious flop: “R.I.P.D.,” “Kung Fu Dino Posse” centers around
four dinosaurs who are awoken from a frozen state to fight crime in modern
times. Now, putting aside that this show is a knockoff of TMNT, I’m not quite
sure why they chose the word “Posse” to describe them. Apparently the words “Team”
and “Group” weren’t cool enough, so they had to use a word commonly associated
with a duo of rapping clowns. One would
be quick to notice that the animation is so choppy, that it makes knockoff
Disney animatronics look smooth. The dialogue barely even syncs up with the
characters’ mouths. Moreover, the premises of the episodes range from generic
road trips to a disturbingly juvenile episode involving using flatulence to
power a jetpack-diaper. I felt my IQ lower by 100 points just
by typing that.
Almost Naked Animals
Can you believe that this is for kids? Yes, it sounds like something you’d see on Comedy Central or MTV, but this Canadian catastrophe recently aired on Cartoon Network in the U.S. On a network famous for successful shows like “Adventure Time” and “Regular Show,” one would think that there would be some form of quality control. Filled with ugly character designs, poor animation, constant toilet humor and forced acting, one at least has to give this show credit for being memorably terrible. Just one frame of this show is bound to give anyone with a respect for animation a heart attack. In addition to Justin Bieber’s behavior, the mere fact that this show exists can easily leave another unfortunate stain on Canada’s reputation.
Super Duper Sumos
Sumo wrestling: an honorable tradition that has a significant place in Japanese culture. It is a sport where the athletes skillfully craft themselves to be immovable objects with specific diets and exercise.* Yep, sounds like the perfect setup for a slapstick kids’ show to me. Kids surely don’t need to know about the tradition of sumo wrestling. All they need to know is that sumo wrestlers look fat and have big butts, so they are therefore hilarious. This show is so reliant on fat jokes, that its theme song has the line “they’ve got guts AND BUTTS.” In fact, when I’ve first heard about this show, I couldn’t decide whether the creators wanted to make kids laugh with fat jokes or if they had some Sir-Mix-A-Lot-style obsession for large posteriors. The world may never know, but considering that there's an episode called "I'm Too Sexy for my Butt," I’m going to assume the latter. Oh, and there was a video game based on it too…the cover speaks for itself…yes, that is their version of a “high five”…God help us all.
*Note: Sumo wrestlers are actually not healthy. However, they still work hard and do not stuff their faces with junk food.
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